During a student’s coaching session, I noticed something that stood out. The client had made a comment with a ramped-up voice and energy, appearing very annoyed and angered. The coach didn’t ask about it at that moment, but about five minutes later, after the conversation had moved on, the coach circled back saying, “Can we go back to your angry response five minutes ago?”
Suddenly, the whole coaching session was being driven by the coach’s agenda. In providing feedback, we discussed that while coaches can absolutely share observations, it’s important to consider how it’s brought up. A better approach could have been, “Could we pause for a moment? If this is helpful, let me know. I observed ____. Would you like to talk further about that? Otherwise, I’m happy to let that go.”
Sometimes brilliant observations need to be let go if the client doesn’t pick up on them. The idea is to note the observation and then let the person being coached decide if they want to explore it further. In this case, the coach wasn’t really asking about the angry moment for the client’s benefit, but more because they wanted to discuss their insightful observation.
It’s natural for coaches, especially early on, to feel the need to say something brilliant or insightful to validate their worth and ensure the client gets value. I mean, if I rewind twenty-five years ago when people started paying me, I felt like I had to bring out something really insightful. However, this approach puts the coach’s needs ahead of the client’s. Awareness is key—coaches should ask themselves on whose behalf they are acting when making an observation or asking a question.
Even experienced coaches can fall into this trap, especially when working with a client long-term. After tackling the big issues, you kind of settle in with each other and the work shifts to refinement. The important thing is to stay attuned to what the client wants to discuss, rather than getting attached to one’s own observations.
Checking in by saying, “Could we pause for a moment? I wonder if this is something important to discuss further,” allows the client to decide. As long as it’s not done constantly, this gives space to share observations while keeping the client’s agenda central.
The Succinct Summary