I saved this topic for last in our coaching habits series. I’ve noticed—and you probably have, too—that when people first learn to coach, we start coaching everyone, whether they want coaching or not.
It’s understandable. You’re learning these new skills; you’re intrigued by them. You want to practice, and you’re genuinely excited about coaching’s potential. And it’s okay to have that initial enthusiasm, but after a while, we need to just settle back and realize that not every person or every situation needs to be coached.
“You’re coaching me again, aren’t you?” is something coaches may hear from family and friends, which is a nice way of saying, “Stop coaching me!”
Sure, you can step into coach mode during a group meeting if the need arises, or if someone specifically asks for coaching, but not everyone in every situation needs to be coached. Nor am I the right coach for everyone in every situation. And that raises another important point:
Just because I can coach you, doesn’t mean I’m the best coach for you.
Finding the right coach is a process. When you consider all the steps and considerations involved, it makes sense that you can’t jump in and be someone’s coach at a moment’s notice. It’s not good for the coach, and it’s certainly not good for the client, who is missing out on the true power of coaching that happens when a coach and client have contracted to work together.
The communication skills you’ve developed as a coach can be hugely helpful in all areas of your life. For example, even though I try my best not to coach immediate family members, I often still draw on my coaching skills, maybe with, “Say more about that?” Or by asking, “How can I be most helpful here?” But know where you’re drawing the line between that and being someone’s coach.
The temptation is there, and not just from the coach’s side of the conversation. I’m sure we’ve all experienced requests for someone to “pick your brain,” or for you to put your coaching hat on “for a second.”
I’ve even had this happen in a doctor’s office—when I was the patient! I had to be really clear with my boundaries and remember that I was there for me. I had to not only step out of the coaching role, but completely out of the giver role, and be a receiver. This is also not always easy for us in helping professions.
This came up in my book about internal coaching. One of the challenges of being an internal coach is that you’re on all the time. That is your role, and that is how people at the organization see you, whether you are in a meeting or standing at the water cooler.
Whatever your primary role in life—whether that’s as a leader, coach, family caregiver, volunteer, or another—you’ve got to be able to switch it off sometimes and engage with the world as just YOU.
Whose Work Is It?